Avoiding & Understanding

It’s been troubling me for a while now and I’m aching to understand why it bothers me. I can’t control what a guy says and does, so what do I do? Well, usually I avoid him. I’m not saying that’s a great solution – just being honest about how I’ve dealt with it in the past. It’s defensive, and it doesn’t feel good. And it keeps happening, so I gather it’s something the universe wants me to look into, not run away from.

Ok. I’m looking and looking and all I come up with is blaming and judging the guy who does it. I think he must purposely want to hurt me, insult me, belittle me, make me feel less than, perhaps because he’s insecure or has low self-esteem. That it’s his manipulative way to feel powerful by attempting to keep me off-balance. I don’t like feeling manipulated, and I don’t want to be around men who I feel alienated by. I figure that since he asked me out, or asked me for a relationship, there must be a reason why he’s doing this that has nothing to do with his regard for me. But what it is I haven’t the faintest notion.

Is it a matter of improper socialization? Is he dim, self-absorbed, or mean? In fact, even some of my guy friends roll their eyes when I describe this type of thing. “Are you kidding me? He should know better!” and “Oh Dee, get rid of him”, are the sentiments I hear most often.

Taking Action

So, since there are guys that understand that this is inappropriate, then it’s not just me. That’s a relief. But how do I deal with guys that do this? Drop them at the first sign? Say nothing and give them 3 strikes? Tell them it bothers me and drop them if they don’t stop after that?

SInce I’ve been learning about Rori Raye’s techniques, I’m going to be trying out her “feeling messages” on these men. I haven’t actually had an opportunity to do this yet, but I’ll keep you posted. I think feeling messages are the way to go, because they’re non-threatening to the guy, and they simply convey to him how I feel without judging him. From there it’s up to him to decide whether or not he wants to continue the comments. And it’s up to me to leave if he does continue, because he’d clearly be letting me know that my feelings aren’t important to him, for whatever reason.

College Man

I was recently in a relationship with a man who was completely in love with me (we met in college and he is now a college professor so I’ll call him College Man). He often told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world, told me I was hot, wonderful, sexy… just couldn’t seem to get enough of me, yet he frequently made comments about other women. Once he came over to pick me up for a date with a bouquet of flowers, and while we were hugging hello he told me that he’d just seen Faye Dunaway in a movie, and that she was “so beautiful” and that I look like her. I was like “huh? why are you telling me another woman is beautiful while you’re hugging ME? And no I look nothing like Faye Dunaway.” Was that supposed to be a compliment? It didn’t feel like one. This comment came after about 50 others over some months we were together. Constantly telling me every woman he thought was “absolutely beautiful” including girls I knew from our college days who he had relationships and sexual encounters with. Yuckkkkkk?!?

Ok I know how when you’re in love with someone you can see them in other people’s faces – I’ve experienced that before, and maybe that’s what he experienced. But it still feels bad to be compared to other women, even if that’s not his intention, it is part of what I experience when I hear these comments.

Evolution & Self-Development

I was talking to my cousin about this the other day and he says that it’s all about evolution. That women are wired to compete with each other for male attention. If a woman thinks that she needs a man for her (and her offspring’s) survival, then it would follow that other women would present a threat. So then maybe for those of us who’s survival isn’t dependent on men, that vestige of an evolutionary trait that sticks with us anyway – like the appendix – has become nothing but a useless nuisance whenever it flares up. I mean c’mon, it’s not like I’m ever going to feel compelled to fight another woman to keep a man around me.

Ultimately, I want NOT to be annoyed by these comments. Rather than hoping the men I’m with will refrain from making them, I want to be the one to change.

I want to understand how much of it has to do with self-esteem, and how much has to do with self-care. Rori Raye says “Trust Your Boundaries”, and this seems like a real boundary for me that is frequently being crossed. But then I think maybe if my self esteem were really high these comments wouldn’t bother me…?

Do men test my boundaries because they want to be closer to me? Do they think my boundaries are blocking the intimacy they want to create with me? I have also heard men say “congratulations, you’re in!” as if a man sharing these comments with me meant he has accepted me into his private world. But I don’t get it. I always say to these guys “what are you telling ME for?” Yes, I am wanting to create a separation between me and their private thoughts when I say this. I also don’t want to hear about the women they want to have sex with, or have crushes on. I just don’t think it’s cool. What do you think?

I welcome your comments!

Love,

Deirdre

Welcome to my first post on my first blog ever. This blog is primarily about dating and relationships – views on love, and whatever else comes up along the way. Thanks for joining me!

Inspiration

My name is Deirdre, and I’d like to tell you about my inspiration for this blog. I’ve been dating for 30 years, and now feel ready to create my dream relationship and settle down. I also have an enormous curiosity about sexual relationships and spirituality. I hope to share my personal experiences as well as touch on the larger spiritual and cultural issues at hand.

Sexual Abstinence and Casual Sex

30 years is a good chunk of my life, and while I admit that I’ve been a slow learner, I’ve also been able to extract some useful knowledge from my dating and relationship experiences. I’ve been fortunate enough to identify some of my behaviors and thought patterns that aren’t working for me anymore. As a result of this exploration I’ve recently decided to include sexual abstinence as part of my new approach to dating. I don’t know if that will mean not having sex until I’m married, or engaged, or if I will discover another way all-together to express my life-long commitment to that special someone. What I’m sure of is that I’m no longer interested in casual sex, that is – sex outside of a serious, committed, long-term, loving relationship with a man who is equally as committed as I am.

Sex has never felt casual to me. Some of my sexual experiences have been the most beautiful, most wonderful, exciting, meaningfully connected, spiritually revealing, truly awesome events of my life. I love loving sex. I love intimacy. I don’t take sex lightly, because I enjoy it so immensely.

Gaining Insight

But like many of my female peers, I have not always been savvy about men’s attitudes toward women and sex. I’ve unwittingly held on to my inherited beliefs about dating without understanding why I wasn’t creating what I really wanted – why I was creating so much pain for myself. I thought men and women were the same for most of my life, that all we really needed to focus on was better verbal communication, and we would all be happy and have wonderful relationships. Well I was way off course it turns out, and with the help of some brilliant authors I have been on the path to learning a whole new way to think about myself, men, women, dating, and relationships.

Tools & Philosophies

So this blog is where I’ll share my thoughts, ideas, and dating stories along the journey. I intend to utilize some of the tools and philosophies I’ve been reading about. I have agreat interest in Rori Raye’s Circular Dating concept, and in the ideas she presents in her ebook Have The Relationship You Want. I have been a “Rules” girl for several years (at least I intended to be), and I’m fascinated by the work of Dr. Patricia Allen, specifically her book Getting To I Do. I’ll keep you posted on how I’m applying the information from these sources to my real dating life, and what elements go into the mix to help create my dream relationship.

Thanks for reading… I welcome your comments

Love, Deirdre