Why Do Men Talk About Other Women?
A source of frustration and anger for me is when I’m with a man – either on a date or in a relationship – and he comments on the beauty or sexiness of other women. I find it inappropriate and rude for starters. I close my heart to man when he does this and I don’t want to close my heart because that’s no fun.
Avoiding & Understanding
It’s been troubling me for a while now and I’m aching to understand why it bothers me. I can’t control what a guy says and does, so what do I do? Well, usually I avoid him. I’m not saying that’s a great solution – just being honest about how I’ve dealt with it in the past. It’s defensive, and it doesn’t feel good. And it keeps happening, so I gather it’s something the universe wants me to look into, not run away from.
Ok. I’m looking and looking and all I come up with is blaming and judging the guy who does it. I think he must purposely want to hurt me, insult me, belittle me, make me feel less than, perhaps because he’s insecure or has low self-esteem. That it’s his manipulative way to feel powerful by attempting to keep me off-balance. I don’t like feeling manipulated, and I don’t want to be around men who I feel alienated by. I figure that since he asked me out, or asked me for a relationship, there must be a reason why he’s doing this that has nothing to do with his regard for me. But what it is I haven’t the faintest notion.
Is it a matter of improper socialization? Is he dim, self-absorbed, or mean? In fact, even some of my guy friends roll their eyes when I describe this type of thing. “Are you kidding me? He should know better!” and “Oh Dee, get rid of him”, are the sentiments I hear most often.
So, since there are guys that understand that this is inappropriate, then it’s not just me. That’s a relief. But how do I deal with guys that do this? Drop them at the first sign? Say nothing and give them 3 strikes? Tell them it bothers me and drop them if they don’t stop after that?
SInce I’ve been learning about Rori Raye’s techniques, I’m going to be trying out her “feeling messages” on these men. I haven’t actually had an opportunity to do this yet, but I’ll keep you posted. I think feeling messages are the way to go, because they’re non-threatening to the guy, and they simply convey to him how I feel without judging him. From there it’s up to him to decide whether or not he wants to continue the comments. And it’s up to me to leave if he does continue, because he’d clearly be letting me know that my feelings aren’t important to him, for whatever reason.
I was recently in a relationship with a man who was completely in love with me (we met in college and he is now a college professor so I’ll call him College Man). He often told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world, told me I was hot, wonderful, sexy… just couldn’t seem to get enough of me, yet he frequently made comments about other women. Once he came over to pick me up for a date with a bouquet of flowers, and while we were hugging hello he told me that he’d just seen Faye Dunaway in a movie, and that she was “so beautiful” and that I look like her. I was like “huh? why are you telling me another woman is beautiful while you’re hugging ME? And no I look nothing like Faye Dunaway.” Was that supposed to be a compliment? It didn’t feel like one. This comment came after about 50 others over some months we were together. Constantly telling me every woman he thought was “absolutely beautiful” including girls I knew from our college days who he had relationships and sexual encounters with. Yuckkkkkk?!?
Ok I know how when you’re in love with someone you can see them in other people’s faces – I’ve experienced that before, and maybe that’s what he experienced. But it still feels bad to be compared to other women, even if that’s not his intention, it is part of what I experience when I hear these comments.
Evolution & Self-Development
I was talking to my cousin about this the other day and he says that it’s all about evolution. That women are wired to compete with each other for male attention. If a woman thinks that she needs a man for her (and her offspring’s) survival, then it would follow that other women would present a threat. So then maybe for those of us who’s survival isn’t dependent on men, that vestige of an evolutionary trait that sticks with us anyway – like the appendix – has become nothing but a useless nuisance whenever it flares up. I mean c’mon, it’s not like I’m ever going to feel compelled to fight another woman to keep a man around me.
Ultimately, I want NOT to be annoyed by these comments. Rather than hoping the men I’m with will refrain from making them, I want to be the one to change.
I want to understand how much of it has to do with self-esteem, and how much has to do with self-care. Rori Raye says “Trust Your Boundaries”, and this seems like a real boundary for me that is frequently being crossed. But then I think maybe if my self esteem were really high these comments wouldn’t bother me…?
Do men test my boundaries because they want to be closer to me? Do they think my boundaries are blocking the intimacy they want to create with me? I have also heard men say “congratulations, you’re in!” as if a man sharing these comments with me meant he has accepted me into his private world. But I don’t get it. I always say to these guys “what are you telling ME for?” Yes, I am wanting to create a separation between me and their private thoughts when I say this. I also don’t want to hear about the women they want to have sex with, or have crushes on. I just don’t think it’s cool. What do you think?
I welcome your comments!