Why Do Men Talk About Other Women?

A source of frustration and anger for me is when I’m with a man – either on a date or in a relationship – and he comments on the beauty or sexiness of other women. I find it inappropriate and rude for starters. I close my heart to man when he does this and I don’t want to close my heart because that’s no fun.

Avoiding & Understanding

It’s been troubling me for a while now and I’m aching to understand why it bothers me. I can’t control what a guy says and does, so what do I do? Well, usually I avoid him. I’m not saying that’s a great solution – just being honest about how I’ve dealt with it in the past. It’s defensive, and it doesn’t feel good. And it keeps happening, so I gather it’s something the universe wants me to look into, not run away from.

Ok. I’m looking and looking and all I come up with is blaming and judging the guy who does it. I think he must purposely want to hurt me, insult me, belittle me, make me feel less than, perhaps because he’s insecure or has low self-esteem. That it’s his manipulative way to feel powerful by attempting to keep me off-balance. I don’t like feeling manipulated, and I don’t want to be around men who I feel alienated by. I figure that since he asked me out, or asked me for a relationship, there must be a reason why he’s doing this that has nothing to do with his regard for me. But what it is I haven’t the faintest notion.

Is it a matter of improper socialization? Is he dim, self-absorbed, or mean? In fact, even some of my guy friends roll their eyes when I describe this type of thing. “Are you kidding me? He should know better!” and “Oh Dee, get rid of him”, are the sentiments I hear most often.

Taking Action

So, since there are guys that understand that this is inappropriate, then it’s not just me. That’s a relief. But how do I deal with guys that do this? Drop them at the first sign? Say nothing and give them 3 strikes? Tell them it bothers me and drop them if they don’t stop after that?

SInce I’ve been learning about Rori Raye’s techniques, I’m going to be trying out her “feeling messages” on these men. I haven’t actually had an opportunity to do this yet, but I’ll keep you posted. I think feeling messages are the way to go, because they’re non-threatening to the guy, and they simply convey to him how I feel without judging him. From there it’s up to him to decide whether or not he wants to continue the comments. And it’s up to me to leave if he does continue, because he’d clearly be letting me know that my feelings aren’t important to him, for whatever reason.

College Man

I was recently in a relationship with a man who was completely in love with me (we met in college and he is now a college professor so I’ll call him College Man). He often told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world, told me I was hot, wonderful, sexy… just couldn’t seem to get enough of me, yet he frequently made comments about other women. Once he came over to pick me up for a date with a bouquet of flowers, and while we were hugging hello he told me that he’d just seen Faye Dunaway in a movie, and that she was “so beautiful” and that I look like her. I was like “huh? why are you telling me another woman is beautiful while you’re hugging ME? And no I look nothing like Faye Dunaway.” Was that supposed to be a compliment? It didn’t feel like one. This comment came after about 50 others over some months we were together. Constantly telling me every woman he thought was “absolutely beautiful” including girls I knew from our college days who he had relationships and sexual encounters with. Yuckkkkkk?!?

Ok I know how when you’re in love with someone you can see them in other people’s faces – I’ve experienced that before, and maybe that’s what he experienced. But it still feels bad to be compared to other women, even if that’s not his intention, it is part of what I experience when I hear these comments.

Evolution & Self-Development

I was talking to my cousin about this the other day and he says that it’s all about evolution. That women are wired to compete with each other for male attention. If a woman thinks that she needs a man for her (and her offspring’s) survival, then it would follow that other women would present a threat. So then maybe for those of us who’s survival isn’t dependent on men, that vestige of an evolutionary trait that sticks with us anyway – like the appendix – has become nothing but a useless nuisance whenever it flares up. I mean c’mon, it’s not like I’m ever going to feel compelled to fight another woman to keep a man around me.

Ultimately, I want NOT to be annoyed by these comments. Rather than hoping the men I’m with will refrain from making them, I want to be the one to change.

I want to understand how much of it has to do with self-esteem, and how much has to do with self-care. Rori Raye says “Trust Your Boundaries”, and this seems like a real boundary for me that is frequently being crossed. But then I think maybe if my self esteem were really high these comments wouldn’t bother me…?

Do men test my boundaries because they want to be closer to me? Do they think my boundaries are blocking the intimacy they want to create with me? I have also heard men say “congratulations, you’re in!” as if a man sharing these comments with me meant he has accepted me into his private world. But I don’t get it. I always say to these guys “what are you telling ME for?” Yes, I am wanting to create a separation between me and their private thoughts when I say this. I also don’t want to hear about the women they want to have sex with, or have crushes on. I just don’t think it’s cool. What do you think?

I welcome your comments! 🙂

Love,

Deirdre

Advertisements

25 Responses to “Why Do Men Talk About Other Women?”

  1. It’s refreshing to read such honesty in a blog. I’ll be checking back for sure. Good luck!

  2. Thank you 🙂 Great to have you here!

  3. I’ve been in that situation. What I usually do is to ask him gently for the details, exactly what caught your eye, her hair, her smile… If they don’t want to talk anymore about it, they were usually trying to manipulate you, too see if you’re the jealous type. If they go on, they were trying to be honest with you. Trust me on this.

  4. I know what you mean, I have met several men on dating sites. On the first date each has told me about a woman or women they had previously met on the site who was “absolutely gorgeous/stunning/beautiful, intelligent, etc. etc.” however had some kind of quirk or there was some problem with them and they (the guy) ended it. I find this kind of talk makes me feel quite inadequate – as though I am not beautiful or gorgeous or intelligent – is it me or is it the guy’s lack of self esteem that he feels he must tell me that he is attractive to beautiful women?

    • Wow … I think you hit the nail straight! I was experiencing this with my boyfriend and some times still do.. This last time and I mean ‘last time ‘ I told him straight with no drama … Stop talking about other women as I don’t know these women and I promise you I won’t talk about past boyfriends …. What is the point??? Also, too when reading your comment …. I see him insecure more than you … As I do with my boyfriend … As they fish for jealousy comment from us… Makes them feel like BIG men…. Close it down my friend … And simply tell him you rather he keep those comments to himself and share it with a dude …. Like us girls … We share these things with our gal pals … Teach him slowly to become more of gentleman. Tell him it’s simply to be a gentleman … At here is what he would like to hear… ‘That most women ..good women like myself’ are attractive to this .. Not high school boys … It works … I closed down with my boyfriend and we ate fine… Once you say it don’t bring it up again for along time..: no need to argue since you won ! Sorry men are dogs but we need those dogs too! Just need a bit if training ….

  5. I personally think men are highly stupid when they are talking to a girl they especially like…so you should take it they really like you so they are not thinking ‘exactly’ what they’re saying. When a woman likes a man, we think very clearly in our head before we communicate. Men on the other hand visualize. Seeing someone beautiful and attractive (such as you) they can get reminded of ‘other’ beautiful things they have come across…they just don’t feel the need to separate your beauty from what they have seen earlier. That is why women are emotional lovers and men are practical lovers. Take it as a compliment- they really find you attractive!!!

  6. I personally think that there us much to be discovered between the lines of what a person says to us. I feel these behaviours and comments illustrate a number of qualities about a man. I think the need to reiterate past sexual encounters and ‘beautiful’ women they have been with is an attempt (conscious or unconscious) to make the woman they are talking to realize that they are an attractive and desirable man in the eyes of the opposite sex, creating an awareness in the woman being spoken to that she is not the only gorgeous woman they have had/could have. I think it can also indicate elements of insecurity and controlling aspects in a person. These comments naturally make the receiver feel ‘less’, you are not ‘a’ beautiful woman, but one of many they could have. personally I feel it is bad manners and can indicate qualities one would not want in a serious partner… just my ideas and thoughts on the topic 🙂

  7. I was suggested this website by my cousin. I’m not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my trouble. You are incredible! Thanks!

  8. Very interesting article, I am having this issue with my partner at the moment.I agree with ACK,S comment though men can be stupid sometimes if they like you. Because my partner & i are very open when we talk with each other.I have been with him for 6 months & he is starting to do this every time I see him recently & it is becoming an issue with me now.I am not jealous in any way ,we both have our own lives and that suits me fine.He is a flirty person & I have known that from the start, the problem I have is that I am starting to feel disrespected by it as it has gone from the odd story about something that happened before he knew me to constant tales about how a woman looked etc.I have to say it,s usually someone he knew before me or someone he saw who looked nice as he does not ogle other women in front of me.He is very complimentary to me & clearly finds me attractive, so I do sometimes wonder why he feels the need to constantly do this.The next time I speak to him I have decided to tell him that I feel disrespected when he constantly does this & would like him to tone it down. Hopefully I won,t come across as jealous because this is why I have not mentioned this issue to him before.I know that men do this as I have worked in a lot of male dominated environments the problem I have is why he feels the need to constantly talk to me this way.

  9. Tell them to get a divorce. Life is too short to
    Constantly complain.

  10. LOL its just stupid and frankly I’ve gotten that by men whom I was dating and even just a Guy friend whom. Iowa’s not even sexually attracted to. so I know its not about self esteemm. but for the guy I’m sleeping with …when he talks about other chicks..its an instant turn off

  11. Wow, that’s what I was looking for, what a information!
    present here at this web site, thanks admin of
    this web site.

  12. I recently just broke off a relationship because of this. Its just rude and total lack of respect. We as woman question our self esteem, when I feel its the mans self esteem as to why they do it. Why risk loosing the woman you love by commenting on anothers womans breasts. Its a turn off. Its not going to make me want you thats for sure.

  13. Great article. I was going through this situation with a man who had serious baggage – some people are so weak it’s incredible. So you had a bad partner in the past – yeah, so? Don’t we all honey!! My tolerance level for this manipulation shit is low and my esteem is very high – operate a covert 2 strikes and you’re out policy. Just kicked him to the curb today. Man, that was satisfying. If everyone else is so hot, go chase after ’em love. Byeeee! Next!

  14. I am in a relationship and my boyfriend always says other girls are hot or sexy it fucking pisses me off to the point were I wanna just hurt him and be mean to him like he does to me if he really was interested in me he wouldn’t say that shit about other girls like how does that fucking make me feel u no I fucking hate it I’m so mad I don’t no what I would do should I just dump his ass and find someone else who respects me and shit or should I give him a fucking talking talking to I don’t no what to do

    • I had to finally had go below the belt! After 6 months of asking my guy to stop telling me about his COUNTLESS women and sexcapades, I told him how my exes penis is huge! And that my ex looks like Richard Geer in pretty woman. Oh yes, I forgot about the football coach in college that looked like Tom Seleck! Back in the day. Oh, oh! My last boyfriend owned 5 houses, 2 in Hawaii! Men can compensate for the big penis but not success measured by money. It’s like a game of tennis, keep hitting the ball back and they’ll get tired. My man said, “okay, I get it!”. That took 6 months. What a waste! I should have realized the lack of consideration was going to show up in other areas of the relationship.

  15. yeah those one’s are silly and childish.
    noone cares who he thinks is hot anyway.

  16. […] Why Do Men Talk About Other Women? | LoveView – Sep 13, 2009 · I know what you mean, I have met several men on dating sites. On the first date each has told me about a woman or women they had previously met on the …… […]

  17. Myra Hunter Says:

    I have been living with my boyfriend for 6 months and it causes a problem for me. It seems he has a story to tell for each person he ever met. I think it helps him not feel board and that he really lived life. For me, I know he cares about me and always says nice things, but he could never be marriage material. He is so fixated on beautiful women and every detail its disrespectful. He is a very fun and happy person and we have super time together – that’s why I stay “for now”. I have spoke with him about it and it stopped but then just starts up again. I just let him do it cause it seems to make him happy.

  18. Would that same guy be ok with you talking about other guys looking hot! I dont think so, the rules should be the same all around!!! If he is cool with it, then you don;t have an issue.

  19. I can’t stand when my boyfriend does this. I love him so much, but I don’t think I can put up with this for much longer.

  20. A man that I’ve been dating for 2 months can not stop talking about his “attractive ex wife, attractive ex fiancé, attractive female friends” and how all his friends find his exes attractive.
    What’s the purpose of that? He’s in front of a beautiful woman both internally and externally…why he feels the need to constantly speak of other women’s beauty is incomprehensible. When I tried speaking to him about it, he argued that he found me attractive and doesn’t constantly talk about female’s attractiveness. He’s even said he doesn’t date anyone lower than an 8!!!!!
    Eventually after the 3rd argument he stopped but doesn’t understand my point of view….we’ve agreed to disagree. Perhaps I should give him a taste of his own medicine for him to understand? It’s caused tension in what seemed like a great relationship that could lead to something serious but now…he seems so shallow to always be rating females based on looks instead of what they can offer him. Mind you, all his exes cheated on him and even though he knows I would never cheat on him, he doesn’t see how his behavior is affecting me and our relationship. In my mind and heart, he’s been downgraded to “just someone I’m dating” as opposed to “someone I can envision a future with”.

  21. lol love it. Very helpful. Thought I was the only one with an asshole.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: